I faked an abortion last night.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I came so hard my ears popped.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
