there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
