I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Randomize
