My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
