Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize