i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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