The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
