I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i will never coherently bang her
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
