oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
