i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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