got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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