clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
