how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
this boner is exhausting
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
