i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
