Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
