I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Randomize