i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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