i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
