I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
