I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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