And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
