Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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