As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
