went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
