I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Randomize
