umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize