"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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