You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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