I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I just want to make out with him forever
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
