I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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