when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
