my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
