the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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