From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
