John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
