I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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