you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
