Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
