Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
