she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
