she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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