Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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