Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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