ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize