A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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