I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
