Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
