They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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