dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
