Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
