I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
