Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
