my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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