you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
