I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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