I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
