My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize