this beer tastes like vomit already
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Randomize
