She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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