you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
