I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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