I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
