so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
