Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize