I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
