i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
