please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
